Welcome!

Yes, I know I need to update Whiskey Tango, which I will be doing later this week. But after watching last night's American Idol, I realized that I need a place to share my views on the nation's newly discovered talent. After each episode, I will give a brief review of each contestant's performance, and my views on who should be kicked off. You can expect my usual Whiskey Tango brand of humor. Enjoy!

So last night was the first performance night for the 12 men, or "boys" as Ryan Seacrest seems to call them. Ok, when we have 28 year olds, I think it's time to retire the word "boy." Overall it was pretty good, but we had some wacky song choices.

1. Nikko Smith: "Part-Time Lover" (Stevie Wonder): Stevie Wonder song count: one. Ok, this dude was pretty good. Apparently he's baseball player Ozzie Smith's son. To give it a baseball metaphor, he got a run, but he didn't hit it out of the park. I liked his song choice, I always like when people do upbeat songs, but he seemed to go out of tune at times. Overall, pretty good, but not as good as Paula and Randy were acting. Amusing note from Nikko's official bio on the American Idol website (click on his name above to see the link): his favorite female artist is "JoJo." Oh hell no!

2. Scott Savol: "You Are My Lady" (Freddie Jackson): This guy scares the crap out of me. He just looks kind of serial killeresque, but he has an incredible voice. However, the song choice? SUCKED. I thought that song was by Billy Ocean, but I was incorrect. Still, it would have been awesome if he did Billy Ocean, I always like "Get Out of My Dreams, Get Into My Car." Anyway, he did a good job, but it was a dull song and overall a dull performance. Plus, Scott seems to have borrowed Ruben Studdard's choreography. Amusing note from the bio: nothing too much except that if Scott wasn't a singer, he'd be a comedian. I'm not seeing it.

3. Anthony Fedorov: "Hold On to the Night" (Richard Marx): Ok, I'm pretty impressed with this kid because apparently he had a tracheotomy as a child and they didn't know if he'd ever speak. I could see how he'd appeal to teenage girls in a "Clay Aiken but less effeminate" sort of way, and he sounds like Clay, but less Broadway. This performance was very good, but again kind of dull. However, again with the song choices. I mean, I love Richard Marx and all, but it's 2005. Also, the only other song we've heard Anthony sing is "Angel" by Jon Secada, so it's safe to say that his radio dial is stuck on Lite FM. Expect a stirring performance of Michael Bolton, or perhaps Air Supply, in upcoming weeks. Amusing note from the bio: Among Anthony's favorite artists is Michael Bolton. What'd I tell you?

4. Bo Bice: "Drift Away" (Dobie Gray): Yeah, I don't know who Dobie Gray is, but apparently he sang that song originally. I love Bo. He looks kind of dirty, and kind of like Matt Dillon in Singles, but I welcome anything out of the ordinary to this show. Bo's performance was awesome, and I really hope that his hippie style won't frighten the twelve year olds that call into this show. Song choice? Not bad, but it makes me think of Uncle Kracker, who I consider to be the solo artist version of Smashmouth (coincidentally on the radio right now, I'd change the station but I don't want to get up). Amusing note from the bio: Bo's favorite male artist or band is Matchbox 20. And they call him a rocker?!

5. Travis Tucker: "My Cherie Amour" (Stevie Wonder): Stevie Wonder song count: two. Ok, first and foremost, this guy is ADORABLE. He has the cutest smile ever. I want a Travis Tucker poster for my nonexistent locker. But the performance was not stellar. I love Stevie Wonder and all, but he is way overused on this show. Travis has a good voice, but I think he would have better off with something less "showy." He seemed too quiet for the song. Bio note: If Travis couldn't sing, the talent he would like most to have is "magic." Ok.

6. Constantine Maroulis: "Kiss from a Rose"(Seal): : First and foremost, I hate this dude. He says he's a rocker, left his rock band to go on this show, has rocker hair (he reminds me of Creed's Scott Stapp, which is never good), and then performs SEAL. Yes, Seal. He sang the song from Batman (which Batman movie, I can't remember. One of the Chris O'Donnell ones). Anyway, dude's a poser, and a creepy poser at that. All of his movements, including creepily looking into the camera in a way that was probably supposed to be "sexy," but made me cower in fear from the Gollum-like creature that was coming out of the TV to get me, and at a "dramatic" moment, yanking off half his coat, seemed rehearsed. Just no. However, I want him to stay on because I like freak shows. Bio notes: Oh there's a lot of amusement to be found. In Constantine's cd player is "Pray for the Soul of Betty," which is apparently his band (nice way to get in a plug), and his favorite music is "honest music." Well, Constantine, if you like "honest music," how the hell can you get a kiss from a rose on the grey?

7. David Brown: "Never Can Say Goodbye" (Jackson 5): Yeah, this was kind of boring. Good song, but nothing unusual. The judges called it "safe," I believe. David's got a good voice, but not memorable. Seriously, I only vaguely remember this performance. Bio note: Among David's other talents is "barbering." Is that a verb even?

8. Jared Yates: "How Could I" (Marc Anthony): Yeah, I had to research what song that was, I had no clue. Jared, you're very cute and have pretty eyes, but pick a song people know! Yes, I bitch about too much Stevie Wonder, but at least I can sing along with Stevie. I don't know what that was, and it's hard for me to judge his skills because it was So. Boring. He sounded average, nothing too special. Bio note: Among his idols are Ryan Seacrest(!) and Marilyn Monroe, and he owns the Billy Gilman cd. Does anyone besides me remember Billy Gilman? Crappy kid country singer that looked kind of like Timmy from Passions and had a song called "One Voice."

9. Anwar Robinson: "Moon River" (Andy Williams): Ok, I really liked this. I was expecting some Stevie or some R&B from what I've seen of him in the past, and he pulls out "Moon River" and did it excellently. I think this guy is one of the best, although his fashion sense is a bit odd. He had a orange jacket that looked like it was made from a tarp, and it appeared that someone had taken a large bite out of the bottom of the jacket. Bio note: Anwar's lucky charm is a bear given to him by his 7th grade students; "her name is Tenderheart." Well, I had the Tenderheart Care Bear when I was little, and I always thought it was a boy, but Anwar begs to differ.

10. Judd Harris: "Travelin' Band" (Creedence Clearwater Revival): I'd never heard this song before, or at least I didn't recognize it, but Judd was great. Basically, it seems like Freaky Friday and he and Constantine swapped bodies: this guy looks like he'd be singing "Kiss from a Rose" or some other ballad, but he pulls out a rock song and does it excellently. Judd was among the best, especially because he was such a surprise. Bio note: Judd's most embarrassing moment was "losing a taco eating contest." Ew.

11. Joseph Murena: "How Am I Supposed to Live Without You" (Laura Branigan, Michael Bolton): Apparently Anthony Fedorov needs to watch out, Joseph is stealing the Bolton. He has a strong voice, but he's pretty dull, and looks remarkably like Joey Lawrence, though his performance did not make me say, "Whoa!" He was good, but kind of just "there." Bio note: Joseph has been redeemed: in his cd player is Journey's Greatest Hits.

12. Mario Vasquez: "Do I Do" (Stevie Wonder): Stevie Wonder count: three. I don't mind as much when it's an upbeat song though. Mario is pretty awesome, and looks disturbingly like Fez from That 70's Show. I'm not a fan of his newsboy hats, but he's a great performer, he doesn't just stand there and sing. Bio note: Mario lists among his proudest moments "working with Michael Jackson." Here's hoping Mario's not called out of the competition to testify.

Ok, that's it for Monday night's show. The best: Bo Bice, Judd Harris, Anwar Robinson, and Mario Vasquez. The worst: Jared Yates, David Brown. Everyone else is somewhere in the middle. Tonight the girls will perform, so expect a review tomorrow!

Style note: This template is kind of ugly. I will try to find something more appropriate when possible.