The Boys: Week Two

So last night was the second week of the "boys." We're down to ten now, after the predictable departure of Jared Yates, and the unfortunate departure of Judd Harris. On with the show!

1. Mario Vazquez: "I Love Music" (The O'Jays): Mario is awesome, but this song was just boring and generic. It sounded like something from Sesame Street (note: I would KILL to see Constantine Maroulis sing "I Love Trash"). Anyway, good performance, crappy song. In his little opening intro, Mario talks about how people think he's bald because he always wears hats. Mario insists he's not bald, but comes out in a fetching all white ensemble with a matching mesh(!) hat. Due to his love for chapeaus, I now deem Mario "Blossom."

2. Anwar Robinson: "What's Goin' On"(Marvin Gaye): Anwar continues to be pretty awesome, but his song choice could have been riskier. However, that was definitely the most upbeat version of "What's Goin' On" I've ever seen. I've never heard "brutality" sung with such joy. Anwar, baby, what was with the jacket? You looked like you were ready to go hunting after your performance in that lovely oversized camouflage getup. Anwar's late '80's-early '90's doppelganger: this is a difficult one, but I'll go for Fabrice Morvan of Milli Vanilli fame, plus talent of course.

3. Joseph Murena: "Let's Stay Together (Al Green): I'm not going to lie, this song is way overplayed on this show, but I still love it so it's acceptable. Also, Joseph did an awesome job, and actually let his personality show up. I was shocked, I tell you, shocked, I was expecting another dull performance. When the judges gave their reviews, Simon compared his performance to a Portuguese nightclub in 1974. The hell? Is Joseph Portuguese? Late '80's-early '90's doppelganger: we went over this one last week, it's obviously Joey "Whoa!" Lawrence, especially now that Blossom is on the show as well. Note: the website that clicking Joey Lawrence's name will lead you to is scary. Joseph, there's nothing your love can't fix for me.

4. David Brown: "All in Love Is Fair" (Stevie Wonder): Stevie Wonder count: four. And a boring Stevie Wonder song at that. David needs to go, he's the musical equivalent of Sominex. I really don't have much to say about him, the most interesting thing is his late '80's early '90's doppelganger. Due to his performance getup of a turtleneck under a collared shirt, he's Dave "Joey Gladstone" Coulier (note one: Dave Coulier is not wearing a collared shirt and turtleneck combo in the linked picture, but that sweater is slammin' nonetheless. Note two: Coulier's official website is www.cutitout.net. Amazing.)

5. Constantine Maroulis: "Hard to Handle" (Black Crowes): I don't know who did the original version, but the Black Crowes one is the one that I know best. I continue to hate Constantine (and I don't want to see that Keanu Reeves movie named Constantine either. I will continue to use the word "poser" to describe Constantine. He's just. . .greasy and icky, and all his moves seem preconceived and stagey. Also, perhaps he should have picked a song where we could understand what he was singing a bit more. Finally, Mr. Greasy added some very unwelcome maneuvers to his routine: he looked to be grabbing his crotch at one point, and let loose a couple bloodcurdling screams that made it sound like someone was grabbing his crotch. Ew, ew. I don't like to use the word crotch anywhere near Constantine. Doppelganger: tough one again. I would say Jesse of Jesse and the Rippers fame, but I love John Stamos too much to do that to him. I guess I'll go with Nick, Mallory's boyfriend ("Heeey Mr. Keaton) from Family Ties. The actor's name is Scott Valentine, and who wouldn't want him on February 14?

6. Scott Savol: "Never Too Much" (Luther Vandross): I love this song, but Scott, we already have a fake Luther. His name is Ruben, and he's better than you. All that aside, Scott is pretty frickin' good, and according to the judges he "moved slightly" this week. What's next, walking? Scott did look better thanks to the aid of some tinted glasses. My mom's quote: "He's got some other things going on his face besides his big face." Doppelganger? Oh, this is a tough one, and it's kind of mean, but I'm trying in vain to go with the theme here it's the only one I can think of: Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts. Shannon, or anyone else, I would be thrilled if you could come up with something better.

7. Travis Tucker: "All Night Long" (Lionel Richie): Oh, he's so cute. I love Travis. His singing is not the best, but he's a good performer and I think he'll stick around for another week. But Travis, please, what was with the faux Jamaican accent? A quote from my brother: "I think someone forgot to tell him Lionel Richie is Jolietan and not Jamaican." Travis did pull out some nice Usher dance moves including a little collar popping. I don't think Lionel would have used those moves; as my mom said, he would be more likely to be screaming, "Outrageous!" Doppelganger: His smile reminds me a bit of Clifton Davis, aka "Reverend" on Amen.


8. Nikko Smith: "Let's Get It On" (Marvin Gaye): Marvin Gaye count: two. Apparently he's this week's Stevie. Other than that, he was really good, though this is another overplayed one. Very good performance, it was fun and he's got a good voice. Paula looked like she was having an Herbal Essences experience from it, ew. Doppelganger? Well, Simon compared his look to Bobby Brown, but I seriously beg to differ. Nikko, shall I compare thee to Stefan Urquelle?


9. Anthony Fedorov"I Want to Know What Love Is" (Foreigner): And the foreigner sings Foreigner. . .this is an AWESOME song and all, but if we're going for Foreigner, can't somebody sing "Dirty White Boy?" Constantine and Bo come to mind. . .Ok, so the world's second most famous tracheotomy patient (I am EVIL), with his shirt open to display his scar, did a good job. Actually, during the performance I lost my ability to discern talent, so I asked my brother if he was good, and he said yes. I'll go with that. I was amused that Paula commented that Anthony "kicked it into another gear." I wondered if it was "neutral." My mom commented, "Idle. American Idle." Doppelganger: I was going to say Rick(y)Schroeder, but then I remembered there was another kid on Silver Spoons who wore glasses. Apparently his name was Freddie, and he was played by an actor named Corky Pigeon. You can't make this stuff up.

10. Bo Bice: "Whipping Post" (Allman Brothers): Bo rocked harder than Constantine could ever hope to rock. I wasn't a fan of his outfit; personally, I believe that if you're wearing both a shirt and pants in poo brown, they should be in the same hue of poo brown, but his performance was phenomenal. My worry with Bo is that he's not suited for this competition. Every winner of this show has been a pop or R&B singer, and Bo is totally rock. I'd love for him to go far, but I worry that it's not the right venue for him. However, if he could revamp this competition and win this thing, I would be thrilled. Paula note: she told Bo, "Everything that comes out of your pores is authentic." Well that's great Paula, I'd hate to hear that Bo had inauthentic acne (facne?) or something. Doppelganger: I can't think of any sitcom character except for one of Karen's hippie boyfriends on Wonder Years, so I'll go with what I said last week: Matt Dillon in Singles.

The Best: Bo, Joseph, Mario, Nikko
The Worst: David, Constantine

Back with the ladies tomorrow!