The Results Show

Ryan Seacrest is a sadist, or at least the people that are pulling his puppet strings (he kind of has a mouth like a marionette, maybe the girl that wants to be a ventriloquist, Celina, could work with him) are sadists. I understand that the results show is going to be a sad event for the four people that are kicked off, but the way that it was organized was cruel. Seacrest tells a row of guys that they are safe, pulls up another row, tells them they're safe, then looks back at one of the guys in the first row, Judd, and tells him he's out. That's just evil.

Anyway, the bootees (not to be confused with booties). Sarah Mather deserved to be booted, she had wet hair and was not very good. Jared Yates, despite being adorable, was Blandy McBland. Melinda Leos (O Tannenbaum) wasn't too good, but Janay was much worse and should have gone in her place. And finally, it sucks that Judd Harris (I keep thinking his name is Judd Nelson)was kicked off. He was really good and I was hoping he'd be around for a while. Ok, that's it for this week.

The Girls: Week One

Ok, the twelve girls performed last night. Overall, they were fairly good, but not nearly as good as the guys. It sucks that the top 12 are going to be six guys and six girls, because i think some talented guys are going to get screwed. On with the show. . .

1. Vonzell Solomon: "Heat Wave" (Martha and the Vandellas): I like Vonzell. She seems spunky and overall she was pretty good, out of tune at times but she was a good performer. However, this song is so overplayed on American Idol. I was also highly amused by the background flame graphics, it looked like a Burger King commercial. Amusing bio note: Vonzell is a postal worker. (Note: there wasn't anything too amusing).

2. Amanda Avila: "How Am I Supposed to Live Without You" (Laura Branigan/Michael Bolton): Ok, apparently she's playing Jessie to Joseph Murena's Slater, second time on this song in two days. I think Amanda was better than Joseph, but it was still pretty dull. Technically good, but not overly entertaining. You know it's bad when Paula Abdul starts her critique with, "You looked very pretty tonight." Bio note: Nothing too interesting, except her favorite male artists are Elton John and John Mayer. I wonder if she, too, is scared of John Mayer's singing Muppet face.

3. Janay Castine: "I Wanna Love You Forever" (Jessica Simpson): This was a train wreck. She was shaky and had a look on her face like someone was killing her puppy in front of her. It was really uncomfortable to watch. The song? Not suited to her, but I've always been disturbed by one part of this song: "Pour yourself all over me, and I'll cherish every drop here on my knees." Ew. Bio note: Janay does not have a most embarrassing moment. You do now, Janay.


4. Carrie Underwood: "Could've Been" (Tiffany): Carrie Underwood, great song choice. It took me back to third grade, or a couple years ago when Tiffany performed at Bourbon Street in Merrionette Park. Carrie was the best performer of the night, she had a lot of power, and she performed Tiffany! Yay for Carrie. Bio note: Carrie thinks people would be surprised to learn that she can't buy underwear. Can't or won't, Carrie? Can't or won't?

5. Sarah Mather: "Get Ready" (The Temptations): I don't like her. She has bad wet-look hair, and dances like she needs to take a crap. She also (she wasn't the only one) did the creepy following the camera with her head thing that scares me. This performance was dull, she has no power to her voice and it wasn't a particularly difficult song. Bio note: Sarah is talented at "working with people." As opposed to chimps?

6. Melinda Lira: "The Power of Love" (Celine Dion): Overplayed song, not sung too badly but unexciting. However, let's concentrate on the presentation. Melinda's outfit made her look, according to my brother, like she was "shaped like a Christmas Tree." Christmas Tree's dance moves were disturbing. Once in a while, she'd make some sort of jerky hand motion or a quick knee bend that did not go at all with the song. I hate to see what she'd do for a faster song. Though she wasn't so impressive, O Christmas Tree needs to stay in so I can laugh at her dance moves some more. Bio note: Much like Travis Tucker, Melinda would like to be a magician if she wasn't a singer. David Blaine, watch your back.

7. Nadia Turner: "Power of Love" (Ashley Cleveland): I'd never heard that song before, but that's what the American Idol site said it was called. Ashley Cleveland is apparently some gospel singer. Nadia was one of the best of the night, she was actually a performer and moved around a lot, and it seemed natural to her. Very good. She also has fun hair. Bio note: Nadia's ritual before she performs is "prayer and an Altoid." No word on what kind of Altoid.

8. Celina Rae: "I Will Love Again" (Anastacia): I don't remember this too well, but she has really cute hair. As I recall, she started out kind of weak but improved a lot. Overall it was pretty dull though. Bio note: If Celina wasn't a singer, she'd like to be a ventriloquist. The hell?

9. Mikalah Gordon: "Young Hearts Run Free" (Candi Staton): I mostly remember this song from the Romeo & Juliet remake and the million times I've heard it on this show. New songs, please! Ok, Mikalah is, like Simon said, kind of polarizing: You either love her or you hate her. In the past I thought she was entertaining, but tonight she kind of sucked. Her moves were awkward, and her voice was kind of off. She also looked a little drag queenesque tonight. I think she's going to get old quick, but I think she'll be around for a while. Bio note: Mikalah's pre-performance ritual: "Say a prayer, call my ma, and go pee." I can relate to that, but I don't know that I'd put it on my bio.

10.Lindsey Cardinale: "Standing Right Next to Me" (Karla Bonoff): Another song I'd never heard before and had to look up. Another person that Paula Abdul told that she looked pretty. Another snoozer of a performance. Good voice, no personality. Bio note: People would be surprised to know that Lindsey loves to color. Did she think everyone thought she hated crayons?

11. Jessica Sierra: "Against All Odds" (Phil Collins): Jessica was surprisingly quite good. I love this song for some reason, maybe because up until a couple years ago I thought the line "the memory of your face" was "a man without a face." Anyway, it's a hard song, I imagine, and she really pulled it off. Bio note: Jessica's most embarrassing moment was in fifth grade when she let out a fart that cleared out the class.

12. Aloha Mischeaux: "Work It Out" (Beyonce): I liked Aloha. She was a train wreck fashionwise, but she's a great performer and she sang really well. Her name is crazy though. Bio note: Aloha's lucky charm is not a red balloon or a purple horseshoe, but the flower she always wears in her hair. It didn't work for that Hawaiian chick last year, I don't know if it will work with the chick with the Hawaiian name from Saint Louis.

Summing it up: Best: Carrie, Nadia, Aloha and Jessica. Worst: Janay, Sarah, and Mikalah.

Welcome!

Yes, I know I need to update Whiskey Tango, which I will be doing later this week. But after watching last night's American Idol, I realized that I need a place to share my views on the nation's newly discovered talent. After each episode, I will give a brief review of each contestant's performance, and my views on who should be kicked off. You can expect my usual Whiskey Tango brand of humor. Enjoy!

So last night was the first performance night for the 12 men, or "boys" as Ryan Seacrest seems to call them. Ok, when we have 28 year olds, I think it's time to retire the word "boy." Overall it was pretty good, but we had some wacky song choices.

1. Nikko Smith: "Part-Time Lover" (Stevie Wonder): Stevie Wonder song count: one. Ok, this dude was pretty good. Apparently he's baseball player Ozzie Smith's son. To give it a baseball metaphor, he got a run, but he didn't hit it out of the park. I liked his song choice, I always like when people do upbeat songs, but he seemed to go out of tune at times. Overall, pretty good, but not as good as Paula and Randy were acting. Amusing note from Nikko's official bio on the American Idol website (click on his name above to see the link): his favorite female artist is "JoJo." Oh hell no!

2. Scott Savol: "You Are My Lady" (Freddie Jackson): This guy scares the crap out of me. He just looks kind of serial killeresque, but he has an incredible voice. However, the song choice? SUCKED. I thought that song was by Billy Ocean, but I was incorrect. Still, it would have been awesome if he did Billy Ocean, I always like "Get Out of My Dreams, Get Into My Car." Anyway, he did a good job, but it was a dull song and overall a dull performance. Plus, Scott seems to have borrowed Ruben Studdard's choreography. Amusing note from the bio: nothing too much except that if Scott wasn't a singer, he'd be a comedian. I'm not seeing it.

3. Anthony Fedorov: "Hold On to the Night" (Richard Marx): Ok, I'm pretty impressed with this kid because apparently he had a tracheotomy as a child and they didn't know if he'd ever speak. I could see how he'd appeal to teenage girls in a "Clay Aiken but less effeminate" sort of way, and he sounds like Clay, but less Broadway. This performance was very good, but again kind of dull. However, again with the song choices. I mean, I love Richard Marx and all, but it's 2005. Also, the only other song we've heard Anthony sing is "Angel" by Jon Secada, so it's safe to say that his radio dial is stuck on Lite FM. Expect a stirring performance of Michael Bolton, or perhaps Air Supply, in upcoming weeks. Amusing note from the bio: Among Anthony's favorite artists is Michael Bolton. What'd I tell you?

4. Bo Bice: "Drift Away" (Dobie Gray): Yeah, I don't know who Dobie Gray is, but apparently he sang that song originally. I love Bo. He looks kind of dirty, and kind of like Matt Dillon in Singles, but I welcome anything out of the ordinary to this show. Bo's performance was awesome, and I really hope that his hippie style won't frighten the twelve year olds that call into this show. Song choice? Not bad, but it makes me think of Uncle Kracker, who I consider to be the solo artist version of Smashmouth (coincidentally on the radio right now, I'd change the station but I don't want to get up). Amusing note from the bio: Bo's favorite male artist or band is Matchbox 20. And they call him a rocker?!

5. Travis Tucker: "My Cherie Amour" (Stevie Wonder): Stevie Wonder song count: two. Ok, first and foremost, this guy is ADORABLE. He has the cutest smile ever. I want a Travis Tucker poster for my nonexistent locker. But the performance was not stellar. I love Stevie Wonder and all, but he is way overused on this show. Travis has a good voice, but I think he would have better off with something less "showy." He seemed too quiet for the song. Bio note: If Travis couldn't sing, the talent he would like most to have is "magic." Ok.

6. Constantine Maroulis: "Kiss from a Rose"(Seal): : First and foremost, I hate this dude. He says he's a rocker, left his rock band to go on this show, has rocker hair (he reminds me of Creed's Scott Stapp, which is never good), and then performs SEAL. Yes, Seal. He sang the song from Batman (which Batman movie, I can't remember. One of the Chris O'Donnell ones). Anyway, dude's a poser, and a creepy poser at that. All of his movements, including creepily looking into the camera in a way that was probably supposed to be "sexy," but made me cower in fear from the Gollum-like creature that was coming out of the TV to get me, and at a "dramatic" moment, yanking off half his coat, seemed rehearsed. Just no. However, I want him to stay on because I like freak shows. Bio notes: Oh there's a lot of amusement to be found. In Constantine's cd player is "Pray for the Soul of Betty," which is apparently his band (nice way to get in a plug), and his favorite music is "honest music." Well, Constantine, if you like "honest music," how the hell can you get a kiss from a rose on the grey?

7. David Brown: "Never Can Say Goodbye" (Jackson 5): Yeah, this was kind of boring. Good song, but nothing unusual. The judges called it "safe," I believe. David's got a good voice, but not memorable. Seriously, I only vaguely remember this performance. Bio note: Among David's other talents is "barbering." Is that a verb even?

8. Jared Yates: "How Could I" (Marc Anthony): Yeah, I had to research what song that was, I had no clue. Jared, you're very cute and have pretty eyes, but pick a song people know! Yes, I bitch about too much Stevie Wonder, but at least I can sing along with Stevie. I don't know what that was, and it's hard for me to judge his skills because it was So. Boring. He sounded average, nothing too special. Bio note: Among his idols are Ryan Seacrest(!) and Marilyn Monroe, and he owns the Billy Gilman cd. Does anyone besides me remember Billy Gilman? Crappy kid country singer that looked kind of like Timmy from Passions and had a song called "One Voice."

9. Anwar Robinson: "Moon River" (Andy Williams): Ok, I really liked this. I was expecting some Stevie or some R&B from what I've seen of him in the past, and he pulls out "Moon River" and did it excellently. I think this guy is one of the best, although his fashion sense is a bit odd. He had a orange jacket that looked like it was made from a tarp, and it appeared that someone had taken a large bite out of the bottom of the jacket. Bio note: Anwar's lucky charm is a bear given to him by his 7th grade students; "her name is Tenderheart." Well, I had the Tenderheart Care Bear when I was little, and I always thought it was a boy, but Anwar begs to differ.

10. Judd Harris: "Travelin' Band" (Creedence Clearwater Revival): I'd never heard this song before, or at least I didn't recognize it, but Judd was great. Basically, it seems like Freaky Friday and he and Constantine swapped bodies: this guy looks like he'd be singing "Kiss from a Rose" or some other ballad, but he pulls out a rock song and does it excellently. Judd was among the best, especially because he was such a surprise. Bio note: Judd's most embarrassing moment was "losing a taco eating contest." Ew.

11. Joseph Murena: "How Am I Supposed to Live Without You" (Laura Branigan, Michael Bolton): Apparently Anthony Fedorov needs to watch out, Joseph is stealing the Bolton. He has a strong voice, but he's pretty dull, and looks remarkably like Joey Lawrence, though his performance did not make me say, "Whoa!" He was good, but kind of just "there." Bio note: Joseph has been redeemed: in his cd player is Journey's Greatest Hits.

12. Mario Vasquez: "Do I Do" (Stevie Wonder): Stevie Wonder count: three. I don't mind as much when it's an upbeat song though. Mario is pretty awesome, and looks disturbingly like Fez from That 70's Show. I'm not a fan of his newsboy hats, but he's a great performer, he doesn't just stand there and sing. Bio note: Mario lists among his proudest moments "working with Michael Jackson." Here's hoping Mario's not called out of the competition to testify.

Ok, that's it for Monday night's show. The best: Bo Bice, Judd Harris, Anwar Robinson, and Mario Vasquez. The worst: Jared Yates, David Brown. Everyone else is somewhere in the middle. Tonight the girls will perform, so expect a review tomorrow!

Style note: This template is kind of ugly. I will try to find something more appropriate when possible.