The Top 10

Last week's kickoff? Completely deserved. However, what wasn't deserved was that little "All Star" music video. I hate you Smashmouth. So last night's theme was '90's, and you'd think they'd pick good stuff. For the most part, you'd be wrong.

1. Bo Bice: "Remedy"(Black Crowes): Bo is my favorite, but I was not a fan this week. I really don't like that song, it's not particularly melodic and didn't showcase his voice. Bo, you had so many options. I don't know what songs they have clearance for, but dude, you could have done some Vedder. I would have loved to see "Daughter" or "Alive." If you're going for Black Crowes, there's always "She Talks to Angels," though I think that might be more of a Constipated song choice. Also, the hat, Bo,was not good. This isn't "Southern Pimpalooza 2005." I don't know how the singing was, really, because it was hard to pick up, but the "showmanship" was good as usual.

2. Jessica Sierra: "On the Side of Angels"(LeAnn Rimes): For all her talking about the Dixie Chicks, why didn't she perform one of their songs? She reminds me so much of Natalie Maines, and I would have loved to see "Goodbye Earl" or "Ready to Run." If you're going for LeAnn, there are better options, this song was just bland. She sang it well, but it was bland and forgettable.

3. Anwar Robinson: "I Believe I Can Fly"(R. Kelly): Oh how I hate this song. It's so, so cheesy and over the top. Anwar, this was not good. You haven't been good lately, and I'm starting to not be your fan. Randy and Simon got it right: he sucks when he starts and then hits the glory notes at the end, which makes people forget how much he sucked when he started. Paula, as usual, is insane. Can we PLEASE get rid of her, or just change up the judging order, making Paula go first, to see if it would make a difference?

4. Nadia Turner: "I'm the Only One" (Melissa Etheridge): I like this song, and I had high hopes for this performance. Nadia performed it well, but her voice was kind of weak. She sounded scratchy and not particularly powerful. It was much, much better than last week though.

5. Constantine Maroulis: "I Can't Make You Love Me" (Bonnie Raitt): This is a really pretty song, but it's so depressing. I always call it the "My Dog Just Died and There's Nothing I Can Do About It" song. Anyway, vocally, Constantine was pretty good, I would say it was his best VOCAL performance. Other than that, though, it creeped me WAY the hell out. Constipated, aka Smeagol, just gives me major "Chester the Molester" vibes. I just picture him trying to woo underage girls to his hoopty with the promise of Funyuns. Anyway, Constantine does that creepy stare/leer thing that makes me hide in my couch. This is supposed to be a vulnerable song, and Constantine just does not project vulnerability, especially when he stood up and seemed to be presenting his crotch. Constantine, in one way your song choice was right: you can't make me love you and I don't.

6. Nikko Smith: "Can We Talk" (Tevin Campbell): Oh, this was great. I frickin' love this song. Whatever happened to Tevin Campbell? Oh. Anyway, I believe I uttered the words, "This is the jam!" during this performance. It was sooooo good. I'm really liking Nikko these days, and my mom is becoming obsessed. Nice work, Stefan Urquelle!

7. Anthony Federov: "Something About the Way You Look Tonight" (Elton John): There was something about the way Anthony looked tonight: he looked bad. He needs the glasses, and I briefly thought that this week's trach scar highlighting accessory was a Tiffany necklace. Anthony, those are for girls. Anyway, this was boring, crappy song, and I don't know if Mr. Tracheotomy should be singing about anything "taking his breath away." Just saying.

8. Carrie Underwood: "Independence Day" (Martina McBride): Martina is not my favorite country singer, just a little too Lifetime Television for Women for my taste, but as usual, Carrie was great, and she seemed to be showing more emotion this week.

9. Scott Savol: "One Last Cry" (Brian McKnight): Good song, okay performance. Much better than Camille Velasquez's mush-mouthed performance last year. Scott is decent and all, but he's not going to win this, so I'm okay with him going at any time.

10. Vonzell Solomon: "I Have Nothing" (Whitney Houston): I was hoping and hoping that Vonzell would bust out with some En Vogue ("Giving Him Something He Can Feel" would have been awesome) but this was really great. I love this song for some reason, and she just belted it out. Vonzell is really doing well lately, I wish she would have worn that crazy sequined headpiece that Whitney wore in the movie though.

The Best: Nikko, Carrie, Vonzell
The Worst: Anthony, Anwar, Scott

The Top 11

Note 1: I was very happy with last week's results. Goodbye Lindsay Cardinale, and Mikalah, don't get too comfy on the red couch there.
Note 2: Last night's votes don't count due to a snafu (I love that word), so tonight they're rerunning last night's performances with some "additional live elements." I don't know what that means, I hope it means more cheesy group performances and/or Ford videos. Last week's video of "No Parking on the Dance Floor" was CLASSIC.
Note 3: Paula was SO off her meds last night. "Rush, rush" to your nearest Walgreen's ASAP.

1. Anthony Fedorov: "I Knew You Were Waiting for Me" (George Michael/Aretha Franklin): Anthony, why did we pick this? You had hundreds of options, and this? Surely Richard Marx had a number one hit or two. Anyway, I was unimpressed, little Anthony should be saying goodbye soon. And again, button up that shirt and put that trach scar away before someone gets hurt!

2. Carrie Underwood: "Alone" (Heart): Oh I love this song! Heart is so awesome. It would be really cool, though, if Bo or Constantine were to perform "Crazy on You" while serenading a giant bag of pot (I'm not crazy, just watch "Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle"). Anyway, Carrie sang very well, she just didn't look too connected with the song and needs to work on her performance skills. Plus, the hair. Carrie had some crazy spiral curls going that scared the crap out of me. However, I agreed with my brother's statement that she had "Heart Hair."

3. Scott Savol: "Against All Odds" (Phil Collins): Good song and all, Scottie boy, but Jessica sang it a couple weeks back. Scott, pick something no one has sung before (it's possible!) and sing the hell out of it. Anyway, this was good but boring, and I was kind of disturbed by how he threw his sunglasses somewhat violently.

4. Bo Bice: "Time in a Bottle" (Jim Croce): I love you Bo! He's so my favorite, I can't deny it. Anyway, Bo was really good on this, it's kind of an unexciting song, but he "did his thing." I really enjoyed how Bo seemed to be faux serenading the Randy Jackson lookalike guitarist who was sitting on stage. Oh, and Bo? You don't do too well at singing non-words, leave the "La-la's" to Ashlee Simpson.

5. Nikko Smith: "Incomplete" (Sisqo): Nikko has balls to sing Sisqo of all people. I really wish he'd done "The Thong Song" though, that would have ROCKED. Anyway, Nikko was really, really good, probably the best tonight (even better than my Bo, I have to say). He needed this performance, I think, because he was lackluster last week. Fashion question: Nikko, why the coat on my shoulders look? Sure, the "reveal" was dramatic, but at the beginning he just looked like he had really big shoulders.

6. Vonzell Solomon: "Best of My Love" (The Emotions): Vonzell is adorable, she has a bit of Beyonce in her voice. I like her a lot, but I don't think she'll win this. This performance was kind of middle of the road. Note: there was a letter in the paper from "V. Solomon" today. Vonzell, did you move to Mokena?

7. Constantine Maroulis: "I Think I Love You" (The Partridge Family): For the second week in a row, I liked Constantine, and this week it didn't seem like the popular opinion. I really thought he sounded like David Cassidy at the beginning, and it was a fun performance, though he bounced way too much. Constantine, again you didn't suck.

8. Nadia Turner: "Time After Time" (Cyndi Lauper): Nadia, the hair. That's about all I can say because I was flummoxed by the triceratops-like creature that appeared on my screen singing Cyndi Lauper. It wasn't good, and I thought Time After Time was a ballad. Just not good. Triceratops, fix your hair and return to old school Nadia.

9. Mikalah Gordon: "Love Will Lead You Back" (Taylor Dayne): Here's hoping love will lead her back to the bottom 2 where she belongs, and off the American Idol stage for good. Mikalah did actually look pretty tonight (Paula forgot to pull that compliment out of her bag of tricks), but she sounded like someone who couldn't hear herself sing. It was just that bad.

10. Anwar Robinson: "Ain't Nobody" (Chaka Khan): Anwar, this was disappointing. As Simon said, he needed to sing an uptempo song, just not that one. That song didn't have enough singing in it for him to perform it well. Definitely his worst performance, but he's still a great singer.

11. Jessica Sierra: "Total Eclipse of the Heart" (Bonnie Tyler): For some reason Jessica felt the need to dress up like Stevie Nicks for this performance, but it was really, really good. I like her voice a lot, and the judges agreed, which made me happy. It felt kind of rushed because she was the last performer, but it was quite good.

Best: Nikko, Bo, Jessica, Carrie
Worst: Mikalah

The Top 12

First, it really sucks that Mario left. He had a chance to win this, and I really want to know the real reason. Personally, I think it's a Wilmer Valderramma lookalike conspiracy.

1. Jessica Sierra: "Shop Around" (The Miracles): I'm a fan of Jessica, but this wasn't good. She didn't look very comfortable, and she just sounded kind of off. Also, girlfriend needs some new clothes that don't make her look like she's neckless.

2. Anwar Robinson: "A House Is Not a Home" (Dionne Warwick?): I'm an Anwar fan, and this wasn't bad, but it just wasn't that great either. I thought he'd do really well on this one, but it was kind of boring. I'd like to see Anwar try a faster song.

3. Mikalah Gordon: "Son of a Preacher Man" (Dusty Springfield): I'm not giving Mikalah any more chances; this just plain sucked. She seemed like she was talking rather than singing, and it was unpleasant. Also unpleasant was her skanky outfit. I really don't need to see your bra, Mikalah. Remember it's called underwear. Kid viewer Maggie, who watched the show with me last night, commented that Mikalah reminded her of the ugly stepsister in Shrek 2.

4. Constantine Maroulis: "You've Made Me So Very Happy" (Blood, Sweat & Tears): Ok, this is hard for me to say, but Constantine did really, really well. I enjoyed his performance, he didn't try to seduce the camera too often, and he sounded good. For once, I don't think Constantine should get kicked off.

5. Lindsay Cardinale: "Knock on Wood" (Eddie Floyd): Lindsay personifies "meh." She doesn't sound terrible, she's just dull, and she keeps on squatting like she has to take a crap. Please, get this girl an enema or something and maybe things will go better.

6. Anthony Fedorov: "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do" (Neil Sedaka): This was kind of boring, kind of good. Anthony's just kind of there for me; I don't hate him, but I wouldn't be distraught if he was gone. However, I was surprised to see that his arms were kind of muscular. I'm not saying anyone should get tickets to the gun show, but he could probably take Clay Aiken (then again, I could probably take Clay Aiken).

7. Nadia Turner: "You Don't Have to Say You Love Me" (Dusty Springfield): Nadia was awesome, she wins Best Female Performance. She was more subtle tonight, and she looked softer and less snarly. Great job, and I really liked the song choice.

8. Bo Bice: "Spinning Wheel" (Blood, Sweat & Tears): Funny that both of the "rockers" picked the same band. Bo was awesome as always, I just love him, but dude, why were you carrying the microphone stand around with you? Don't you know the microphone is detachable? Anyway, Bo is great, no complaints besides that. And it would have been pretty funny if he hit Paula with the stand.

9. Vonzell Solomon: "Anyone Who Had a Heart" (Dionne Warwick): Vonzell reminds me lot of Trenyce from Season 2. Anyway, she was pretty fabulous, I like her voice a lot and she has stage presence. She also has a lot of junk in her trunk, or as kid viewer Jack said, "A whale of a tail."

10. Scott Savol: "Ain't Too Proud to Beg" (Temptations): Scott apparently ain't too proud to sing yet another Ruben song. Scott seemed better this week for some reason, he had more presence and I enjoyed this performance. I liked how he worked the crowd, it was surprisingly not frightening.

11. Carrie Underwood: "When Will I Be Loved" (Everly Brothers): This was pretty great, though Randy and Paula disagreed. I thought this song was well-suited to Carrie and she performed the hell out of it.

12. Nikko Smith: "I Want You Back" (Jackson Five): And here I was complaining that Constantine made the Top 12 in place of Nikko. Constantine did very well tonight, and Nikko was mediocre. He was off on a lot of notes, and it was just kind of there. He is a decent performer though.

The best: Nadia, Bo, Carrie
The worst: Mikalah, Lindsay, Nikko

I really hope Mikalah goes, but we will soon see.

The Girls: Week Three

Ok, I tried to post this a little while ago, and it deleted for some reason, so here I go again.

1. Amanda Avila: "River Deep, Mountain High" (Tina Turner): Amanda is a Gemini, but the only "two sides" I saw of her were Bland and Blander. I don't think it's a good idea to perform a Tina Turner song when you have no soul. However, I could see her jammin' onstage with Bugs Bunny at Great America.

2. Janay Castine: "Dreaming of You" (Selena): Janay is a Libra, and I'm going to "weigh in" on how much she sucked. She was out of tune, "pitchy," and had the "you killed my puppy" face going as usual. Paula Abdul is an idiot; even though she acknowledge Janay's craptitude, she still encouraged her fans to vote for her. Note: I still don't really know what Selena looks like, I always picture Jennifer Lopez.

3. Carrie Underwood: "Because You Loved Me" (JoDee Messina):
Carrie is a Pisces, and when she goes fishing, she never uses live bait and always releases the fish after she catches them. Great story, Carrie. Anyway, this song was boring, and the performance was dull and not as technically good as the judges seemed to think. I think Carrie is great, but this wasn't a good performance.

4. Vonzell Solomon: "Respect" (Aretha Franklin): Vonzell is a Pisces, and yet she dressed up like a cowgirl. Interesting. Anyway, this was a great performance, Vonzell reminds me of the female Travis Tucker but with actual vocal talent.

5. Nadia Turner: "Try a Little Tenderness" (Otis Redding): Nadia is a Capricorn. I got nothing. Anyway, this was pretty awesome. I love watching Nadia perform, she really does remind me a bit of a young Tina Turner, and she picks unusual songs and does them well.

6. Lindsay Cardinale: "I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing" (Aerosmith): Lindsay is an Aquarius, but unlike other Aquariuses (Aquarii?), she is not unemotional and detached. Maybe not, but the majority of her performances are. Anyway, Lindsay did well tonight, I liked her song choice and her voice, but she needs to stop squatting like she has to take a crap.

7. Mikalah Gordon: "Somewhere" (West Side Story): Mikalah is a Capricorn, and tonight she was a Crapricorn. This was not good. I usually like the tone of Mikalah's voice, but not tonight, she was offkey a lot. Also, she needs to get her personality back when she sings and stop with the ballads.

8. Jessica Sierra: "The Boys Are Back in Town" (The Busboys): Jessica is a Scorpio, FYI. She did an AWESOME job tonight. Like Nadia, she picks songs you might not expect, but does them very well. The outfit, though was a no.

The Best: Jessica, Nadia
The Worst: Janay, Mikalah, Amanda

The Boys: Week Three

Note on last week's results: I was okay with them overall, but I think Constantine should have gone instead of Joseph, and Janay instead of one of the other two. However, none of them were going to win so it's all good.

The top 8 boys performed last night. This week's pre-performance interviews consisted of the "boys" discussing their astrological signs. I was really hoping for them to do a cover version of New Kids on the Block's "I Wanna Be Loved by You," which featured such lines as, "I know, I know, I'm young, I may be young, but I'm not too young to show you how I feel. I'm Joey, and I'm a Capricorn," and "I'm Donnie, a loveable Leo!" Alas, no. Enjoy!

1. Scott Savol: "I Can't Help Myself (Sugar Pie Honey Bunch)" (The Four Tops): Scott's a Taurus (much like Jordan Knight), so I guess he doesn't take any bull. His performance was kind of a load of tripe though. His voice is good, but he's dull and just kind of disconcerting. I can't see him winning this, so I think it's better that he leave sooner than later. I could have sworn Ruben sang this before, but maybe it was someone else. It just seems like it's always on this show. Scott, take some chances, please.

2. Bo Bice: "I'll Be" (Edwin McCain): Bo is a Scorpio, and talks about how he may seem nice, but we shouldn't mess with him. Bo, I love you, but this song? Boring and overdone on this show. Also, what the hell is "love's suicide"? Anyway, he started out shaky but got much better. I really think Bo is awesome, but I like him better when he rocks instead of singing Dawson's Creek music.

3. Anthony Fedorov: "I've Got You" (Marc Anthony): Anthony is a Taurus (Taurus count: two), and comments that his Taurus trait of being stubborn led him to learn English after he moved to this country (he moved to the US ten years ago). Yeah, because if dude had been a Cancer, he'd still be speaking Russian. Anyway, Anthony sang some Marc Anthony song. Anthony, you're about as Latino as Mayim Bialik, but he did sound pretty good. I just don't like him for some reason. I loved Simon's comment: "You have about as much Latin flair as a polar bear." Anthony also sported a blazer that looked like it had been puked on and/or slimed. Perhaps Anthony made the mistake of uttering, "I don't know" on camera and the slime bucket came down on him.

4. Nikko Smith: "Georgia on My Mind" (Ray Charles): Nikko is also a Taurus (Taurus count: three). Maybe that's leading him to stubbornly continue looking like Stefan Urquelle. Anyway, this was a risky choice, because we already have a new Ray Charles, and his name is Jamie Foxx. I don't think it's the best time to bust out the Ray Charles. However, Nikko started weak, but ended up being really, really good at the end. I like him.

5. Travis Tucker: "Every Little Step" (Bobby Brown): Travis is an Aries. I don't know anything about Aries except that they're Rams, and I don't think "ramming" jokes are appropriate. Travis took the opportunity to dress up as a Newsie while singing Bobby Brown. Yeah, I don't get it either, but he looked really cute and danced well. Notice I didn't mention the singing. It wasn't good. Still so cute though!

6. Mario Vazquez: "How Do You Mend a Broken Heart" (Bee Gees): Mario is a Gemini, and he interprets that to mean that there are two sides to him, the serious side and the fun side. I say he has the hat side and the no hat side, and dude, put your hat back on. Other than that, he was really good.

7. Constantine Maroulis: "Every Little Thing She Does is Magic" (Sting): Constantine is a Virgo. I got nothing on that. Anyway, Constantine was less offensive than in previous weeks, but still bad. As usual, he did his patented "pull open one side of my jacket" move.

8. Anwar Robinson: "What a Wonderful World" (Louis Armstrong): Anwar is a. . .wait for it. . .Taurus (Taurus count: four). Now despite my reservations, as I can't handle this song because it was our swing choir song in junior high and thus has been run into the ground, Anwar was phenomenal. Best performance so far on the show, and he needed it because he wasn't particularly remarkable last week. Nice job, Anwar. Also: he dressed very nicely in a black turtleneck and dress pants, and pulled back his dreads. Lookin' good, Anwar!

The best: Anwar, Nikko, Mario (Bo?)
The worst: Constantine, Travis, Scott

The Girls: Week Two

Tonight was. . .boring. It probably didn't help that I didn't know half the songs. Anyway...

1. Aloha Mischeaux: "You Don't Know My Name" (Alicia Keys): Aloha was sporting some kind of poncho/muumuu thing tonight that wasn't working for me, and neither was her performance. It just sounded all over the place, and she actually worked her name into the lyrics. I don't really like that song in the first place, it's kind of "yelly," but this was not good. '80's doppelganger: an easy one, Jackee!

2. Lindsey Cardinale: "I Try to Think About Elvis" (Patty Loveless): I don't know this song. I'll be saying that a lot. I don't dislike Lindsey's voice, but the band drowned her out, and this song didn't seem particularly challenging. She'll probably be good if she picks the right song. I'm having a hard time finding Lindsey's '80's doppelganger, but I think I'll go with Justine "Mallory Keaton" Bateman.

3. Jessica Sierra: "A Broken Wing" (Martina McBride): I didn't realize I knew this song till halfway through, I remember Diana DeGarmo did an awesome job on it last year. Jessica was really great tonight, she belted this one out and it sounds like a tough song. Doppelganger: Becky Conner from Roseanne (either actress will do).

4. Mikalah Gordon: "God Bless the Child" (Billie Holliday): I don't know this song. Mikalah's voice sounded good, but her diction was TERRIBLE; she sounded like Mushmouth and I had no idea what she was saying or what song it was. The judges seemed to really like her, but maybe they knew the song. Doppelganger: we already have Blossom and Joey, now we have Six!

5. Celena Rae: "When the Lights Go Down" (Faith Hill): I don't know this song, and this performance was really boring. Again, pick something people know that shows your range, if, indeed, you have a range. She still has cute hair, but this was not good. Doppelganger: I'm going to go with Tiffani-Amber Thiessen in the Saved by the Bell: The College Years/90210 period..

6. Nadia Turner"My Love" (Paul McCartney): I like this song, but it's a little dull. Her version was pretty good though, but the "whoa's" get old. I still think she's great though. Doppelganger: Whitney Houston: the early years.

7. Amanda Avila: "Turn the Beat Around" (Gloria Estefan): I know there's an original version of this, but Amanda was obviously doing the Gloria Estefan version. This really wasn't bad at all. Cheesy, and very Vegas, but still really good. She actually gave a performance. Doppelganger: total old school SBTB Tiffani-Amber Thiessen.

8. Janay Castine: "Hit 'Em Up Style" (Blu Cantrell): Hee! I love this song! Janay's voice wasn't bad, but the song didn't suit her. That song needs attitude, and her attitude was "I am a deer. . .in the headlights." Janay just isn't sassy enough, though props to her for trying. I was amused by the way she incorporated Paula and Mikalah's names into the song, but it just felt like a little girl at the talent show. Doppelganger: Tootie. It's all about the eyes.

9. Carrie Underwood: "Piece of My Heart" (Janis Joplin): Not bad, not as good as last week. However the judges were bitching as though it was horrible, and complaining that Carrie wasn't being genuine. Ok, they call her Farm Girl, so apparently they want her to sing country. Last week, she sang Tiffany (not country), and they loved it. This week she sings a Janis Joplin song that Faith Hill, Madame Country, does a cover version of, and they bitch at her. Let's make some sense here, guys. Doppelganger: Candace "Donna Jo Tanner" Cameron.

10. Vonzell Solomon: "If I Ain't Got You" (Alicia Keys) Alicia Keys count: two. She's the Stevie Wonder of the female set. This wasn't bad, but I don't like this song, so that colored my opinion. She also seemed to be sharp at some points. Not terrible, not awesome, but kind of fair to middling. Doppelganger: Lark "Lisa Turtle" Voorhies, they both like to match almost too well.


Best: Jessica, Carrie, Nadia
Worst: Janay, Celena, Aloha.

Hopefully the votes will make more sense this week!

The Boys: Week Two

So last night was the second week of the "boys." We're down to ten now, after the predictable departure of Jared Yates, and the unfortunate departure of Judd Harris. On with the show!

1. Mario Vazquez: "I Love Music" (The O'Jays): Mario is awesome, but this song was just boring and generic. It sounded like something from Sesame Street (note: I would KILL to see Constantine Maroulis sing "I Love Trash"). Anyway, good performance, crappy song. In his little opening intro, Mario talks about how people think he's bald because he always wears hats. Mario insists he's not bald, but comes out in a fetching all white ensemble with a matching mesh(!) hat. Due to his love for chapeaus, I now deem Mario "Blossom."

2. Anwar Robinson: "What's Goin' On"(Marvin Gaye): Anwar continues to be pretty awesome, but his song choice could have been riskier. However, that was definitely the most upbeat version of "What's Goin' On" I've ever seen. I've never heard "brutality" sung with such joy. Anwar, baby, what was with the jacket? You looked like you were ready to go hunting after your performance in that lovely oversized camouflage getup. Anwar's late '80's-early '90's doppelganger: this is a difficult one, but I'll go for Fabrice Morvan of Milli Vanilli fame, plus talent of course.

3. Joseph Murena: "Let's Stay Together (Al Green): I'm not going to lie, this song is way overplayed on this show, but I still love it so it's acceptable. Also, Joseph did an awesome job, and actually let his personality show up. I was shocked, I tell you, shocked, I was expecting another dull performance. When the judges gave their reviews, Simon compared his performance to a Portuguese nightclub in 1974. The hell? Is Joseph Portuguese? Late '80's-early '90's doppelganger: we went over this one last week, it's obviously Joey "Whoa!" Lawrence, especially now that Blossom is on the show as well. Note: the website that clicking Joey Lawrence's name will lead you to is scary. Joseph, there's nothing your love can't fix for me.

4. David Brown: "All in Love Is Fair" (Stevie Wonder): Stevie Wonder count: four. And a boring Stevie Wonder song at that. David needs to go, he's the musical equivalent of Sominex. I really don't have much to say about him, the most interesting thing is his late '80's early '90's doppelganger. Due to his performance getup of a turtleneck under a collared shirt, he's Dave "Joey Gladstone" Coulier (note one: Dave Coulier is not wearing a collared shirt and turtleneck combo in the linked picture, but that sweater is slammin' nonetheless. Note two: Coulier's official website is www.cutitout.net. Amazing.)

5. Constantine Maroulis: "Hard to Handle" (Black Crowes): I don't know who did the original version, but the Black Crowes one is the one that I know best. I continue to hate Constantine (and I don't want to see that Keanu Reeves movie named Constantine either. I will continue to use the word "poser" to describe Constantine. He's just. . .greasy and icky, and all his moves seem preconceived and stagey. Also, perhaps he should have picked a song where we could understand what he was singing a bit more. Finally, Mr. Greasy added some very unwelcome maneuvers to his routine: he looked to be grabbing his crotch at one point, and let loose a couple bloodcurdling screams that made it sound like someone was grabbing his crotch. Ew, ew. I don't like to use the word crotch anywhere near Constantine. Doppelganger: tough one again. I would say Jesse of Jesse and the Rippers fame, but I love John Stamos too much to do that to him. I guess I'll go with Nick, Mallory's boyfriend ("Heeey Mr. Keaton) from Family Ties. The actor's name is Scott Valentine, and who wouldn't want him on February 14?

6. Scott Savol: "Never Too Much" (Luther Vandross): I love this song, but Scott, we already have a fake Luther. His name is Ruben, and he's better than you. All that aside, Scott is pretty frickin' good, and according to the judges he "moved slightly" this week. What's next, walking? Scott did look better thanks to the aid of some tinted glasses. My mom's quote: "He's got some other things going on his face besides his big face." Doppelganger? Oh, this is a tough one, and it's kind of mean, but I'm trying in vain to go with the theme here it's the only one I can think of: Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts. Shannon, or anyone else, I would be thrilled if you could come up with something better.

7. Travis Tucker: "All Night Long" (Lionel Richie): Oh, he's so cute. I love Travis. His singing is not the best, but he's a good performer and I think he'll stick around for another week. But Travis, please, what was with the faux Jamaican accent? A quote from my brother: "I think someone forgot to tell him Lionel Richie is Jolietan and not Jamaican." Travis did pull out some nice Usher dance moves including a little collar popping. I don't think Lionel would have used those moves; as my mom said, he would be more likely to be screaming, "Outrageous!" Doppelganger: His smile reminds me a bit of Clifton Davis, aka "Reverend" on Amen.


8. Nikko Smith: "Let's Get It On" (Marvin Gaye): Marvin Gaye count: two. Apparently he's this week's Stevie. Other than that, he was really good, though this is another overplayed one. Very good performance, it was fun and he's got a good voice. Paula looked like she was having an Herbal Essences experience from it, ew. Doppelganger? Well, Simon compared his look to Bobby Brown, but I seriously beg to differ. Nikko, shall I compare thee to Stefan Urquelle?


9. Anthony Fedorov"I Want to Know What Love Is" (Foreigner): And the foreigner sings Foreigner. . .this is an AWESOME song and all, but if we're going for Foreigner, can't somebody sing "Dirty White Boy?" Constantine and Bo come to mind. . .Ok, so the world's second most famous tracheotomy patient (I am EVIL), with his shirt open to display his scar, did a good job. Actually, during the performance I lost my ability to discern talent, so I asked my brother if he was good, and he said yes. I'll go with that. I was amused that Paula commented that Anthony "kicked it into another gear." I wondered if it was "neutral." My mom commented, "Idle. American Idle." Doppelganger: I was going to say Rick(y)Schroeder, but then I remembered there was another kid on Silver Spoons who wore glasses. Apparently his name was Freddie, and he was played by an actor named Corky Pigeon. You can't make this stuff up.

10. Bo Bice: "Whipping Post" (Allman Brothers): Bo rocked harder than Constantine could ever hope to rock. I wasn't a fan of his outfit; personally, I believe that if you're wearing both a shirt and pants in poo brown, they should be in the same hue of poo brown, but his performance was phenomenal. My worry with Bo is that he's not suited for this competition. Every winner of this show has been a pop or R&B singer, and Bo is totally rock. I'd love for him to go far, but I worry that it's not the right venue for him. However, if he could revamp this competition and win this thing, I would be thrilled. Paula note: she told Bo, "Everything that comes out of your pores is authentic." Well that's great Paula, I'd hate to hear that Bo had inauthentic acne (facne?) or something. Doppelganger: I can't think of any sitcom character except for one of Karen's hippie boyfriends on Wonder Years, so I'll go with what I said last week: Matt Dillon in Singles.

The Best: Bo, Joseph, Mario, Nikko
The Worst: David, Constantine

Back with the ladies tomorrow!